The first half of 2020 is sure off to a bang isn’t it? We’re approaching the midway point of the year. Maybe the whole year is going to be, let’s just say, less than ideal. It’s certainly one like none of us have ever experienced, and is providing a laundry list of character-building moments.
I’ve read some social media comments and had some conversations with people about how in light of 2020’s offerings they would like to go back and give 2019 another a chance. I’m going have to go ahead and give that a hard pass. I’ll take my chances in this pandemic world. If 2019 taught me anything it was that God intends for us to live one day at a time, and that starts with today.
For me, 2019 was the year of the valley. It was the year my Dad died. It was a year full of grief and, in hindsight, blessings. It was the culmination of 11 years of dread. From the time my Mom died I began to slowly dread the day Dad would pass. I began to dread having to clean up the mess and settle the estate. I didn’t realize it at the time of course. That realization came once the dread was gone and reality was in my face. Reality doesn’t play.
Though technically it was just before midnight, Dad’s official date of death was May 25, 2019. It’s been an entire year. A year that has felt like an eternity and a blink all at once. It was a year full of all the decisions you never want to make. All the phone calls you never want to have. All the questions that have no answers. It’s been a year full of really hard days and overwhelming emotions. It was full of both head-on tackles and sneak attacks from grief. It was a year of holidays and birthdays and other first times without Dad. I know from experience the first year is the hardest.
For me it was a year of treading the water of my own shifting emotions while looking for solid ground. It was a lot of saying, “I’m okay” to everyone who asked mostly as a way to anchor myself. It was a year of chasing God and learning just how enough He really is. God is always and forever enough.
Many of you know that I wrote about my personal experience of facing life without parents shortly after we finished up the estate sale last summer. You can read it here https://hopeanyway.com/the-valley/. I guess because we’re coming up on Dad’s death day a year later, I’ve been thinking a lot about what has happened since then. This is the continuation of a journey through and out of that valley and some lessons learned.
It took several months to get everything finished. My dining room table, which has been exclusively my desk since I’ve been working at home, has been covered in death certificates, legal paperwork, medical documents, utility statements, bills, banking information and other random parent-related things. I’m still surrounded by my parents’ photo albums and a few storage tubs full of their things waiting for me to make a decision on what to do with them.
It has been a bit like being surround by death for a year. I couldn’t get away from it. There were so many things to take care of and documents that I had to keep referring back to that it just made sense to leave them easily accessible. But it was a constant reminder. Around Christmas we finally got all the paperwork completed on getting the house and property all sold. Having to complete taxes for Dad snuck up on me but I got through that, too. In fact, I got my copy of the legal documents that finalized the estate in mid April.
What a relief it was to just have all of it done and behind me. What a relief it has been to begin to clean up my dining room so that I don’t have to look at the death paperwork everyday. What a relief to have released all the dread and weight that I had been carrying since the day Mom died. I had been chained to that heaviness and simply couldn’t be free of it until that moment. It finally felt like stepping out of the valley. It was light.
In my experience, you don’t come through a valley unchanged. I’ve got fresh hurts to add to my lifetime collection of scars. I’ve also got a deeper love for my people. The people that have loved me and helped me get through. Having the support of a few people is a big, big deal. But, friends, I’ve got something else, too. I’ve got an appreciation for those scars that I’ve not had until recently. I needed all of them to be who I believe God wants me to be. You know how you can never fully understand what it’s like to have a child until you have one? Well, I could not get to my purpose without going through these specific valleys.
Don’t get me wrong, I would rather my parents still be here. But they completed the race God had for them. When I look back and dig deep into what God has done in my life, I can see it. I can see the skills, strengths, and desires that He gave me long ago. I can see some of the value in the suffering that He has allowed me to endure. I can see how He was there before me, walked me through it and brought me out of it.
I have done the personal work over the course of the last year to claw my way out of the valley – physically, emotionally and spiritually. My initial writing about this topic was the spark for this blog. It was like God threw a rope in the pit and said, “Here, use this.” I’ve been climbing out since then. I’ve been seeking God, trimming the excess and things that don’t add value from my life. Honestly it was too heavy to carry it all.
As I’ve done this work and spent time healing, I’ve learned a few things that I feel like I must share in the hopes that someone else benefits. When you learn something this good, you can’t not share it. I’ve learned that seeking God is the most important work I’ll ever do. And it needs to be done daily. God is close to the brokenhearted for sure. Whatever gets you closer to God is worth the cost. Let me repeat that because it’s so important. Whatever gets you closer to God is worth the cost, but don’t wait for the broken heart to get you there. Seek Him daily. When we seek Him, we’re going to find Him. He has promised that we’ll find Him.
Whatever gets you closer to God is worth the cost.
www.hopeanyway.com
We can trust Him. When He says He is our strength and our refuge, He can be trusted. When He says His mercies are new every morning, He can be trusted. When He says not to borrow trouble that each day has enough of it’s own, He can be trusted. When He says that some suffering is necessary to make us the people He wants us to be, He can be trusted. When He says not to worry because He will take care of us, He can be trusted. I have personally experienced it as He has delivered on each of those.
I’ve learned, and really am still learning, of the importance of today. It is good to glance back and remember some things but it is straight up dangerous to spend all of our time looking back. Likewise, it is crippling to spend too much time looking ahead at things that will never be. God is already there. My parents will not be a part of my future (and yes, sometimes I need to cry for a few minutes about that), but God will be there. And He will provide people to stand in those gaps.
Our people need us today. God wants us today. Friends, today is the only thing we really have. He only asks us for one day at a time. One day at the time is possible. I’m a walking billboard for that. You get through a valley one step and one day at a time. Today. Just today.
Finally, and perhaps my biggest takeaway from the last year, is simply hope. I have written repeatedly of how hope is born out of suffering. If we work God’s plan, trials of all kinds produce hope. The hope that Jesus has provided, remains. Hope is why we can keep going when we don’t feel like it. Hope is why I’d rather take my chances on 2020 than go back to 2019. Hope is ahead of us. Hope is pulling us through. Even as deep of a valley as 2020 has been and looks to be – hope remains.
Valleys remind us that this life and earthly things both good and bad are temporary. The hope of Heaven is real, eternal and bigger than any valley. Friend, I don’t know what valley you are facing or what mountain top you are looking off of, but let me encourage you to live for God today and let Him provide the hope for tomorrow. When we do that, we’ll find the solid foundation we’re searching for.
“I waited patiently for the Lord; And He inclined to me, And heard my cry. He also brought me up out of a horrible pit, Out of the miry clay, And set my feet upon a rock, And established my steps. He has put a new song in my mouth – Praise to our God; Many will see it and fear, And will trust in the Lord.”
Psalm 40:1-3
