Confession time. Maybe this quarantine, lockdown, shelter at home or whatever you prefer to call it, is starting to get to me just a tiny bit. I don’t like to admit it but some cracks in the armor showed up earlier this week. I don’t want to go so far as to say that I was made for this, but I did come into this strange time pretty well prepared. If you know me well, you already know that.
I mean I have been working from home for a few years now, so I know how to do that. Some of you have likely discovered that it takes a bit of getting used to. In the last year, I’ve also felt strongly led to take some time off “work” to focus on some other things. I’m in a position to give time and emotional support to my kids and husband who are all dealing with much bigger shifts in their daily lives. Typically, I’m stable and steady, not a worrier and not prone to panic. Plus, I was a latchkey kid growing up in the 80s. I know how to be left alone and fend for myself.
Those are some pretty solid tools to work with when the world feels chaotic. I’m anchored pretty deep. Sometimes it feels like more of a curse, but lately it has certainly felt like a blessing. I say all of that only to point out the significance of the aforementioned cracks. It’s been kind of a hard week.
Easter Sunday I worshiped but I was more emotional than usual. I cried – from gratitude, from sadness and from tired emotions. And I ate too much and too many things that I don’t usually eat. I’ve been trying to get healthier and shed some pounds that I had gained over the last year. That splurge set me back a couple of pounds. That seemingly tiny detail has frustrated me the rest of the week.
It gets worse. I’ve yelled at my kids and just been short with my husband. It’s not their fault. They are all trying to process the same things I am, and they are all less prepared. My kids can’t fully grasp what’s happening or properly label their feelings when I sure can’t. My husband is working from home in an economic climate that’s like quicksand. I don’t feel good about those cracks from the week. In fact, I admitted to a friend that my cracks were starting to show.
But then God planted another thought as I did my daily walk later in the week. Scroll back up there and look at that picture. I’ve walked by that fence a gazillion times in all sorts of weather. But on this day I was absolutely struck by the sunshine streaming through the cracks. Look at the grass with those sunny streaks. You can see frost in the grass if you look hard. It needed some light. This absolutely blew me away in that moment.
Certainly there is something to be said for the protection offered by a fence or armor or a hardened heart and closed off emotions. But this week God showed me that there is something to be said for the cracks, too. Light gets through them. You guys! I could cry right now letting this wash over me again.
I was reminded of something my Mom always told me, “What goes in, is what comes out.” If my cracks are beginning to show, whatever comes out is going to reflect what I’ve been putting in. When I was up two pounds on Monday, it was obvious that I had eaten too much on Sunday. That’s an easy example. But what’s coming through the cracks for my family?
I stewed on that a bit and then God reminded me of Matthew 12:35 which says, “A good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth good things, and an evil man out of the evil treasure brings forth evil things.” And Proverbs 4:23 says “Keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it spring the issues of life.”
Maybe I consumed more than unhealthy food. Maybe I took my eyes off Jesus and consumed too much bad news in a post-Easter letdown. Maybe instead of giving myself enough grace to have feelings and weaknesses, I spent too much time dwelling on my mistakes. I believe it’s totally necessary to have some cracks in the armor but I want to make sure that it’s light that comes through them. The way to do that is to put good in.
I need to forgive myself for being human and spend that energy consuming better. For me, that looks like watching less news in the morning and spending more time in prayer and reading my Bible. It looks like spending less time browsing social media and more time interacting with my kids.
Friends, I don’t know what that looks like for you, but I pray that it includes giving yourself enough grace to allow for some cracks. I pray that lots of light streams through to the people in your path.
